I don’t know who this is, but I fully identify.
“LIFE ON THE SPECTRUM!!! What is it like?
You are born angry! You know this, because your mother felt the need to remind you how inconsolable you were as a baby and through your childhood years (even, to the point where you remember bringing her to tears). How you cried non-stop on the hours long plane flight as a baby. How your father reminded you how you refused direction. You also know this, because of your own childhood memories, not just stories about you! How obstinate you were at every direction by others to do as told. How unwilling you were to keep your clothes on! How much you were willing to break your toys or punch a hole through a door, just because you were angry with life in this moment (this might have been teenage years, but spectrum people tend to get confused). How *much* you enjoyed living in your *own fantasy world in a fucking closet*!
How much you cared about the crying of other children, felt impulsively the need to force a stop to this, to only break into the crying child’s room to find this ¿uncle? in his underwear trying to quite this cribbed child, and him staring at you from then on with menacing eyes during our ride to somewhere that I don’t remember (this might have been an on the spectrum total *misunderstanding*, but those not on the spectrum don’t always know how to respond in a way that doesn’t create fear and suspicion in those who are, I only know that his stares in the car ride to a ¿restaurant? scared me)! Gnite!!!! My fondess memory of that visiting trip was the watchtower (*forever* etched into my mind, the magnificent neverending forest!), and my worst memory is the lost cat that I was told got away from our vehicle (and I couldn’t comprehend how this happened! Why? It’s winter fucking cold, why would a family member run away?!).
LIFE ON THE SPECTRUM!!! What is it like?
You have memories, but you can never trust them as being *accurate* – unless you’re sure that they are. Like being a fucking note taker to hell! Like for example, I remember as a child being totally turned on by a child cousin during another visit to some relatives. So much so that, on this visit, too, I did something this time to embarrass my father and found myself facing him with his belt in his hand and, instead of spanking my bare ass over his lap this time for whatever infraction I committed, he played a game with me that I cannot ever forget! Cry my ass off loudly for everyone outside the *room* to hear, and he’ll keep snapping the belt together as if I’m being swacked, so the message is clear (I guess!) to my younger brothers. Guess I didn’t fuck up this time that badly in life.
Trust me, I don’t assure you that my memories of life are chronologically accurate or even (honestly) historically accurate, but I do remember a few things (though not much, being lost in mind most of my life!). For example, I remember having to scrub the walls’ baseboards with a toothbrush when we had to move, so “Sparky,” whoever this “inspector” fuck was wouldn’t force us to stay and keep scrubbing until all was right. I have never scrubbed a baseboard since, though, every once in a while I force myself to – at least – try to vacuum the growth up! I have never made my children clean up my failure of a mess! (But, now – in all fairness – I am fucking judging and this, too, is unfair!) … Okay, I am still avoiding!!!
LIFE ON THE SPECTRUM!!! What is it like?
You remember throwing your favorite note taking recorder upon the steps, because this time it didn’t record what you said, and *deeply* regretting it. Too fucking late, now it’s broke! You remember that the first time you had your first sexual encounter with an aggressive other, and you found yourself learning about and how to rid yourself of this thing called “crabs.” You remember that all of life has been a struggle for you, between your cherished memories and fantasy worlds about life and your lived reality when you can remember (accurately, historically, without recorded notes, I guess). You remember how many times the two worlds have collided (throughout your life!), jeopardizing every around you and those you are in some kind of relationship with! I am tired of remembering such calamities that have informed my life throughout the decades!!!! Seriously, I am a walking miracle that my poor ass life has managed to survive at all this long, thus far, in life!
Here is where life *finally* gets a bit better though! (I refuse to rehash my *perceived* experiences in life! I got to be doing something *right* to still have a few around me that haven’t left me – a wife, children, a few friends). I have learned, finally, to keep my clothes on! Only I, actually, thought that I wanted to see this about me. The rest have proven to be just opportunistic voyeurs while I did this. (Believe me, I still fucking hate clothes, but hate the reactions even much more. Especially, now that I started to get “old man” looking, since accepting shame!) I’ve also learned to not be so itchy about this reality of life that I live. I’m finally getting the *meaning* of breathing practice! Honestly, I am way passed (if I’m honest with myself and my history) my expiration point (seriously!). And I have also learned that shame about my “socially taught” anti-social nature is a reality that I carry with me, like “memories,” in this present.
LIFE ON THE SPECTRUM!!! What is it like?
This has been my lived life, but it is not my lived life. This is just a caricature of my lived life, because I don’t (I guess, like too many!) know how to express my experiencing of life!!! I’m just lucky, literally *lucky* in life as I survive, like most everyone else who struggles with this experiencing of life. Unfortunately, I will never be anything other than what others make me into being. Being on the spectrum, I latch onto the present forest that I am presentingly seeing! This is the *only* place where I both know and can be self-assured, at the same time, that I am *right* about something in this life that *we* are all living. Unfortunately, seeing positive results from even this – may be beyond my personal lifetime! … If only I were lucky enough to understand, to know, and to experience the “Queen’s Gambit” in life. … But now I’m tainting my own experience with another’s!!! The reality is, I’m still here now. And have *no intentions* to premature this, despite my weaknesses. Fuck y’all, fuck everyone! I was born angry, and I know it!!!”
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